Fact-Fighting: A Marriage Killer
How to Handle Conflict Without Losing Connection

What Is Fact-Fighting?
In countless marriage counseling sessions, one destructive pattern often emerges: fact-fighting. This happens when couples shift from addressing the core issue of a conflict to throwing “perceived facts” at one another to defend their viewpoints. These so-called “facts” are usually personal opinions masked as indisputable truths and serve as tools to win rather than bridges to understanding.

Here’s an example:

A Holiday Conflict
Sandy loves the lively traditions of her large family’s holiday gatherings. John, on the other hand, values quiet, intimate celebrations at home. Every Christmas, their differing priorities lead to heated arguments.
Here’s how fact-fighting unfolds:

Sandy’s “Facts”:

1. “My family has been celebrating Christmas this way for years.”
2. “I love being with my family.”
3. “My mother expects us both to show up.”
4. “Skipping gatherings would be rude.”

John’s “Facts”:

1. “My family prefers celebrating before or after Christmas, not on the day itself.”
2. “Christmas morning should be spent quietly at home with just us and the kids.”
3. “Your family’s gatherings are too long and exhausting.”
4. “Your sister overstays her welcome every time she visits.”

To each spouse, these statements feel justified and unarguable. However, instead of seeking solutions, they use these “facts” to prove each other wrong. The result? A standoff that damages their connection.

The Cost of Fact-Fighting
Fact-fighting creates a harmful dynamic where couples:

• Focus on proving their point rather than finding common ground.
• Wound each other with words that make their partner feel unloved or disrespected.
• Fall into a cycle of conflict that escalates rather than resolves.

While it might feel satisfying to “win” the argument, this approach ultimately weakens the relationship. As tensions rise, both partners double down on their views, forgetting the greater goal: building unity and preserving peace.

A Biblical Perspective
The Bible offers timeless wisdom on this subject:
"Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord." (Hebrews 12:14)

For Christians, prioritizing peace with others—especially our spouse—should come before defending personal preferences. This doesn’t mean suppressing your desires or always giving in. Instead, it means prioritizing unity and working toward mutual agreement.

Breaking the Cycle of Fact-Fighting
If you’re caught in the trap of fact-fighting, try these four strategies::

1. Share Your Perspective Once—Then Let It Go
   State your reasons calmly and clearly, but avoid repeating them or raising your voice. Once you’ve both shared your views, focus on solutions instead of rehashing the argument.
2. Seek Middle Ground
   Ask yourself: What can we do together? Be willing to compromise and, when possible, offer a give-and-take approach.
3. Take a Time-Out
   If emotions are spiraling out of control, pause for 10 minutes to cool down. Use that time to reflect and pray for patience and humility. When you come back, approach the conversation with a collaborative mindset.
4. Always Come Back to the Table
   Avoid the temptation of the silent treatment. Letting conflicts linger only deepens the divide. Keep returning to the conversation until you find resolution—even if it takes multiple attempts.

Choose a Peacemaking Marriage
Every couple will face disagreements, but how you handle them determines the strength of your relationship. By rejecting fact-fighting and embracing humility, patience, and love, you can transform conflict into opportunities for growth.

Marriage isn’t about “winning” arguments—it’s about building a shared life filled with peace, joy, and understanding. Compromise doesn’t mean losing – it means loving.

Want to learn how to master negotiation in your marriage? Sign up for our masterclass! CLICK HERE.