Recently, I sat with a client who was walking through the painful process of divorce. As part of the court’s procedure, he was required to submit every text message exchanged between himself and his wife. These transcripts were being used by the judge to help determine custody and evaluate their patterns of behavior. When my client showed me the printouts, I was shocked. Page after page revealed name-calling, cursing, demeaning insults, threats, and an avalanche of hateful words—things no human being should ever say, let alone write and preserve in permanent form. And to be fair, neither husband nor wife was innocent. Both had used texting as a weapon, and the destruction was undeniable.
Sadly, this is not an isolated case. The misuse of texting stretches far beyond marriages. I once counseled a teenage boy who carried deep wounds of anger and bitterness. As he poured out his struggles, he pulled out his phone and showed me a string of messages from his father. They were terrible—words that cut like knives, words that no father should ever send to his son. Those texts weren’t just words on a screen; they were scars on a young man’s heart.
Sadly, this is not an isolated case. The misuse of texting stretches far beyond marriages. I once counseled a teenage boy who carried deep wounds of anger and bitterness. As he poured out his struggles, he pulled out his phone and showed me a string of messages from his father. They were terrible—words that cut like knives, words that no father should ever send to his son. Those texts weren’t just words on a screen; they were scars on a young man’s heart.
What Does the Bible Say About the Words We Choose?
Scripture has a lot to say about words—whether spoken, written, or typed on a phone:
- Proverbs 18:21 – “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.”
- Proverbs 12:18 – “The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.”
- Proverbs 10:19 – “When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.”
The Bible is clear: words carry weight. They can bless or curse, heal or wound, build up or destroy. As Christians, we are called to live differently than the world. We are called to exercise restraint, to choose kindness, and to season our speech with grace. But for some reason, when it comes to texting, many of us lose all sense of caution. Why? Because texting often feels fast, convenient, and safe—yet in reality, it is one of the worst tools for managing conflict.
Why You Shouldn’t Argue Over Text
1. Bad Timing – Texting at the Wrong Time Damages Marriages
When we’re frustrated, texting is often our first impulse. But sending a text in the heat of anger almost always guarantees bad timing. God calls us to slow down, cool off, and respond with humility. James 1:19 says, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” A hasty text rarely reflects that wisdom.
When you fire off a message fueled by irritation, you’re not demonstrating self-control—you’re proving immaturity in handling both your emotions and your relationships. That’s why, the next time you feel the urge to type out a sharp or negative message, STOP. Resist the impulse. Step back, breathe, and give it to God. Wait a day. Pray. Ask Him to help you craft a healthier, more loving response.
2. Bad Delivery Method – Texting Is the Wrong Tool for Resolving Conflict
Even if your timing is right, the medium of texting is flawed for conflict. Why? Because it strips away tone, body language, and facial expression—the very things that help us convey empathy, compassion, and sincerity. A message you intended as firm but fair may be received as harsh and cold. On the other hand, sometimes the sender truly does mean to be harsh, and the recipient hears that loud and clear. Either way, the result is misunderstanding, escalation, or both.
The truth is, important conversations—especially confrontations—require a human touch. The best method will always be face-to-face, eye-to-eye. Before you meet, pray. Ask God to fill you with humility and gentleness. Enter the conversation with empathy. Remember, being kind does not mean avoiding truth, and being firm does not mean being cruel. Digital texts simply cannot communicate that balance.
Texting does have its place, but its place is limited. Use it for kindness, encouragement, reminders, and updates. Use it to say “I love you,” “I’m praying for you,” or “Don’t forget the milk.” But never use it as a weapon.
3. Bad Outcome – Texting Can’t Fix a Fight
Perhaps the most sobering reason to avoid text-fighting is the outcome. In all my years of counseling, I have never seen a single case where angry texting produced healing, understanding, or reconciliation. Not once. Instead, it leaves a trail of bitterness, defensiveness, and regret.
I often challenge my clients to change the way they communicate. Some push back. They argue that they have good reasons for the way they respond. When they dig in, I sometimes reply, “Okay, keep doing what you’re doing—and let’s talk again in five years. Where will it get you?” Sadly, the answer is obvious: nowhere good.
Text-fighting not only damages relationships in the moment but also creates a digital record of your worst moments. Those words can—and often will—be used against you in the future. They reveal your character. They expose your wounds. And in the end, they grieve the Holy Spirit and wound the people you claim to love most.
1. Bad Timing – Texting at the Wrong Time Damages Marriages
When we’re frustrated, texting is often our first impulse. But sending a text in the heat of anger almost always guarantees bad timing. God calls us to slow down, cool off, and respond with humility. James 1:19 says, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” A hasty text rarely reflects that wisdom.
When you fire off a message fueled by irritation, you’re not demonstrating self-control—you’re proving immaturity in handling both your emotions and your relationships. That’s why, the next time you feel the urge to type out a sharp or negative message, STOP. Resist the impulse. Step back, breathe, and give it to God. Wait a day. Pray. Ask Him to help you craft a healthier, more loving response.
2. Bad Delivery Method – Texting Is the Wrong Tool for Resolving Conflict
Even if your timing is right, the medium of texting is flawed for conflict. Why? Because it strips away tone, body language, and facial expression—the very things that help us convey empathy, compassion, and sincerity. A message you intended as firm but fair may be received as harsh and cold. On the other hand, sometimes the sender truly does mean to be harsh, and the recipient hears that loud and clear. Either way, the result is misunderstanding, escalation, or both.
The truth is, important conversations—especially confrontations—require a human touch. The best method will always be face-to-face, eye-to-eye. Before you meet, pray. Ask God to fill you with humility and gentleness. Enter the conversation with empathy. Remember, being kind does not mean avoiding truth, and being firm does not mean being cruel. Digital texts simply cannot communicate that balance.
Texting does have its place, but its place is limited. Use it for kindness, encouragement, reminders, and updates. Use it to say “I love you,” “I’m praying for you,” or “Don’t forget the milk.” But never use it as a weapon.
3. Bad Outcome – Texting Can’t Fix a Fight
Perhaps the most sobering reason to avoid text-fighting is the outcome. In all my years of counseling, I have never seen a single case where angry texting produced healing, understanding, or reconciliation. Not once. Instead, it leaves a trail of bitterness, defensiveness, and regret.
I often challenge my clients to change the way they communicate. Some push back. They argue that they have good reasons for the way they respond. When they dig in, I sometimes reply, “Okay, keep doing what you’re doing—and let’s talk again in five years. Where will it get you?” Sadly, the answer is obvious: nowhere good.
Text-fighting not only damages relationships in the moment but also creates a digital record of your worst moments. Those words can—and often will—be used against you in the future. They reveal your character. They expose your wounds. And in the end, they grieve the Holy Spirit and wound the people you claim to love most.
In Summary
Texting can be a wonderful tool when used correctly. It’s perfectly fine for sharing good things, reminders, and updates. But it is never appropriate for sharing bad things, negative emotions, or hateful words.
When someone sends you a terrible text, resist the urge to fire back. Instead, pause. Breathe. Pray. Then pick up the phone—not to argue, but to set up a real conversation. Look them in the eye. Speak truth with love. Choose words that heal rather than words that wound.
Your marriage, your family, and your walk with God are far too important to be ruined by something as small as a text message.
Texting can be a wonderful tool when used correctly. It’s perfectly fine for sharing good things, reminders, and updates. But it is never appropriate for sharing bad things, negative emotions, or hateful words.
When someone sends you a terrible text, resist the urge to fire back. Instead, pause. Breathe. Pray. Then pick up the phone—not to argue, but to set up a real conversation. Look them in the eye. Speak truth with love. Choose words that heal rather than words that wound.
Your marriage, your family, and your walk with God are far too important to be ruined by something as small as a text message.
If you or someone you know needs help, reach out today for a free consultation. We are here to walk with you, strengthen your marriage, and lead you both closer to Christ.
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