“Jim, what is wrong with you? I’ve told you a thousand times to be on time. You’re setting a terrible example for our kids. You’re irresponsible and selfish. Grow up and step up!”

Sadly, this was a normal scene in their home. Jim’s response was always the same—retreat. He would slip away into another room to escape the criticism. But instead of calming the conflict, his avoidance only fueled her frustration, and the cycle repeated.

At the core of their struggle was Jim’s passivity. He avoided decisions, avoided conflict, avoided leadership in his home, and even avoided engaging in his faith.

At first, his wife didn’t mind. His passivity gave her the freedom to run the household—finances, kids, schedule, even choosing their church. But over time, what she thought she wanted became the very thing she resented. Deep down, she longed for his leadership.

This is the paradox: many wives say they want control, but when their husbands hand it over completely, respect begins to erode. A wife cannot fully respect a husband who refuses to engage. There must be balance.

One wife, Mary, put it this way:

“One of the best things my husband ever did was to put me in my place. I married a strong man who wouldn’t put up with my outbursts. Looking back, I am grateful he loved me enough to confront me. He wouldn’t let me control him or mistreat him.”

Mary respected her husband because he was neither passive nor aggressive. He stayed steady, calm, and strong. He confronted her when necessary, but with love, not rage.

As a biblical marriage coach, I see this pattern often. Many men either lose their backbone and become overly passive, or they swing to the opposite extreme—harsh and domineering. Both extremes destroy marriages.

The solution is not control, but engagement. Husbands must lead with strength, love, and honor. Scripture gives this charge:

• 1 Corinthians 16:13 — “Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong.”

• 1 Peter 3:7 — “Husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman… so that your prayers may not be hindered.”

Action Steps for Husbands

1. Act Like Men—Be Strong.

• Don’t run from conflict. Stand firm with kindness.

• Confront issues lovingly and patiently when your wife crosses the line.

• Don’t use passivity as a false peacekeeping strategy—it always backfires.

• Take responsibility for your faults, and gently address hers.

• Never meet contempt with contempt; it only multiplies it.

2. Be Understanding and Honorable.

• Recognize she carries pressures you may not fully understand.

• Ask her what would help lighten her load—and then act on it.

• Stay engaged physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

• Love her even when it’s hard.

• Offer comfort when she least deserves it.

Final Word

A passive husband leaves his wife feeling insecure, frustrated, and alone. But a husband who stays engaged—with strength, honor, and love—builds a marriage where respect and intimacy can grow.

If you’ve struggled with passivity, take these steps seriously. In most cases, your wife will respond in time. If not, don’t give up—get help.